yourbluehair

progress has started again to really kick in. it feels good. Im nearly done planning the script finally. im maybe in the last couple weeks of writing. ill have to then reorganize my notes once again but not make “new” notes like what im doing now. and also do some research on certain things about the time period and culture and also other art references (ie the japanese magician from the 40’s, and other art refrences ive mentioned and want to make note of in the first draft) but yeah im nearing the end now of the planning stage and im very eager to write.

the first draft will be poor. i cant tell if it will be long or short. im expecting it to be about 180-240 pages long. i would be surprised if its anything lower or above that… i just dont see based off of my notes the script being any other sort of length. if i have to give a guess, the final draft would probably be slightly over 200 pages. thats not too bad, but it is a long film.

theres a part of me that is hurt by this. as it feels that working on such a thing is meaningless. im self-aware enough to know making a film one day is slim odds, and then being lucky enough to one day make a film like this with even slimmer odds.

there are many directors and writers who say “the studio would never make a film like this” or “there was never really a film like this before” but its a lot of pretenious crap i think. there is no such thing as originality in art. there is only the attempt to carve an idenity based off of the stitched artistic patches that the artist has covered their body in. why pretend and be pretenious and say such things like “the world was not ready for a film like this” when art is about being honest and facing yourself?

but i see it an impossibility to ever, really, get this script made.

it is a japanese film and i am not japanese. it takes place in a very senstive time that the country of Japan at this moment has some hesitation facing, so the idea of a foreigner tackling such a thing is impossible. it also takes heavy influence from a fascist figure in japanese society that is shunned and a taboo, the irony is not lost on me that it is still at this moment being tackled by a white foreigner. and most importantly of all, the film at its core is about a mans repression of his Sado-masochist desires…

i feel, unlike the common american films being made right now, and the typical american phrase of “the studio would never make a movie like this”, the film i am writing and have described above will, genuinely, not be made.

there’s a part of me that has accepted that though. not just that the japanese film i am writing will not be made. but that none of the scripts will be made. and im more at peace with that i think.

does art exhist even if no one sees it?

it does. if i believe it doesn’t then i have no reason to believe in anything at all. im left to wonder if art is the final product of the process of creation. art is not the final product. the final product is a painting, a song, a movie. art is the process of creation.

so writing this script and giving it the 1.5 years its been has been the real reward. not in making it into a film. at the end of the day. the script represents a form of expression of myself. just a part of who i am. maybe 50% of me will be in it. because the script is not a film, does that make the emotional payoff ive received laboring for over a year and creating this script a null value?

No. the script still exists. it is words on a sheet of paper. and there are/will be about 200 pages. and i received an emotional relief working on it, and was able to work progressively on actively expressing a series of very complicated characters and sets of psychologies.

at the end of the day still i like writing and will continue to do so. i see no future in turning anything i write into a film and ive resigned myself to that. which has allowed me to focus more on being a better writer. and i enjoy that. i like writing. and it has made me happy since i was very small and it makes me happy now that i am older and taller and it will make me happy when i am old and small again.

i guess it is possible that art is not the final product but in fact the process of creating a final product. But if that is the case, then art is not a corporeal thing. i can not hold the thinking of a script or the ideas of a painting or the images on a film in my hand. art is incorporeal. then does it follow that art does not exist? or does art change forms after the process of creation into a final product?

or maybe its similar more to organic material. the process of art is incorporeal, like the things that make up the infancy of organic material, until, and ill continue with the organic material example, the infancy of such a stage matures into a physical thing. is the now invisible quality of that period a nothingness? should it be, then the mature physical thing could never exist. so the infancy stage not only is not a nothingness but must in a way still be present. So is the infancy the maturity? can one be in a state of infancy and maturity at the exact same moment? is the final product of a work of art a organic maturity made up of the stages of infancy that the artist lived and worked through and errored and succeeded in? is a final work of art both a mature piece and a crying newborn?

if thats the case… then is a person ever really a mature person? is a person at every moment of their life every stage they have ever lived through at the exact same time? am i for example every good decision and every bad decision, and every good luck and bad luck, and every strength and weakness, at every single moment? is there such a thing as the past then? does the past exist? is the past a distant entity, or the shadow behind you? if you are everything at once, then at every single moment you are the past the present and the future and there is no such thing as childhood or adulthood but just being.

so then, at every moment, the childhood of a person exists within themselves.

this is possibly true, as you see in psychology that childhood trauma can persist late into adulthood.

it is not the trauma of something from childhood that persists into adulthood. it is the child itself. the child has just changed shape. to be older, they developed facial hair or breasts. But, inside, there is still a child. every single version of a person exists within themselves at every single moment where the present person is just a representation of the versions of their previous selves and in that sense the previous selves are always present and always will be so the past must not exist and thus then art exists as a representation of the past and present thoughts and ideas of an artist over an extended period of time where those thoughts and ideas are shaved and sculpted down into a particular work to represent a complex concept or feeling or idea that is entirely impossible to express with any language except for art.

so in conclusion an art work is like a person then. as it contains the infancy and maturity of itself within itself at all times and in all of its multitudes. art is the creation of the art work. the art work is not “art” itself but its physical body. the same way that a person born is not their mother and father but a seperate entity now. but the things that make art are impossible to hold. like the things that make up a person are impossible to hold.

but art is not really that complicated. i guess i just like thinking that way sometimes.

but if an art work is a culmination of thoughts and ideas over a period of time, then that does lead to something interesting.

maybe just living is making art. is getting up and going outside art? that itself is an experience that forces ideas and thoughts, even if they are banal like “i am hungry”.

to even think is to make art. just to live is to make art. at all times every single person is making art.

anyways, im excited to keep working on the japanese script ive been planning for some time.

i have 2 more film ideas id like to work on at some point… the first one is a very short (maybe 70-80) page experimental film about carl jungs pscyhological stages realized in a homosexual woman in a collage sort of format and that movie will also have ghosts. the other film is a more standard drama close to what my first “good idea” script was like. it will take place across several states, and revolve around a small cast of characters at varying ages (though young) going through difficult changes in their lives. all the people will be related. it will take place in new york, conneticut, and Houston… ultimately that film is about my childhood and my current lived feelings. it will also have characters representing everyone in my family at least at about 20% (mainly for inspiration). the film at its core is about… well it doesnt really matter.

im eager to write later…